title: the art of gathering [book-review] date: 2022-02-16

Priya Parker wrote an excellent book called ‘The Art of Gathering’.

‘How we meet’ is a vital human experience, but too often we don’t give it enough thought.

We spend our lives gathering, with family, friends, in school, at weddings, business meetings, class reunions, dinner parties, sports groups, religious ceremonies, and at the end of our lives, our loved ones gather at our funerals.

We all intuitively know that gathering is important. We can look back and remember times that ‘we gathered well’ and times that weren’t so well. The awkward dinner party where one too many guests were invited, or the social where you weren’t very social.

More and more, we are unhappy with the way we meet. Going to conferences, work meetings or drinks parties, we find that the host has rarely given thought to how guests will connect, why they are meeting, and what they will take away.

There are ways that you can ‘gather well’.

1. Know why you are gathering

You should be explicit to yourself in why exactly you are gathering. ‘Think less about the what, and more about the why’. For example:

Take a birthday. If your ‘why’ is to surround yourself with your loved ones, then invite a small group and have an intimate dinner. If your ‘why’ is to reconnect with old friends and colleagues- then invite a larger group for a barbecue.

Knowing why you are gathering, is the starting point for the rest of your decision making

2. Good gathering requires exclusion

Once you know the underlying purpose of the gathering, you can choose who to invite. And more importantly, who to exclude.

Include only people relevant to the gathering. If you intend to spend time with your school friends, and the intention is to ‘catch up’ - don’t invite a work colleague. (Unless the intention is to meet new people).

The ‘more the merrier’ is not true. How many people depends on the ‘reason why you are gathering’.

3. Don’t be a ‘chill host’

An engaging and generously authoritative host will always deliver than a laid back host

Hosting is a skill. It requires attention and effort. An abdication of power as a host often fails guests rather than serving them.

You have ‘power’ as a host. The author talks about a time she was at a housewarming party, and there was a lull after dinner. The author suggested that they play a game of ‘werewolf’ but the host wasn’t sure that ‘everyone’ would enjoy it. They were unwilling to exercise their power. As a result, the moment passed and the party broke up in an unsatisfying way.

Another example was where the author facilitated a conference with the purpose being to bring together people involved in the agricultural industry. There were 120 people who didn’t know each other. So she utilised her power as a host, and asked that every attendee get up and move to a different table after each speech. Initially it seemed like an imposition, but ultimately at the end of the day, everyone was grateful. This simple rule facilitated the reason ‘why’ they were implicitly gathering - to form new connections. By being at the same table the whole time, they wouldn’t fulfil that purpose.

4. Having rules can be freeing

An addendum to the above. Depending on the gathering, you can set rules as a host. Exercise that power.

Rules can allow for playfulness and meaningful gatherings. Examples include : no phones, arbitrary mixing rules at a social.

5. Introductions and Starts

Prime people before the event of what to expect. Give them a little synopsis. If hosting a dinner, let people know who is coming, what you will be serving, any activities planned, and roughly when it will start and finish.

Then when they arrive, acknowledge this explicitly. Make introductions if needed. Serve them food/drinks. Show them around if a dinner.

6. Encourage authenticity

We all crave authentic interaction. I’ve been in situations where the conversation barely left the superficial, and then led to the group just sitting next to each other on their phones. Most gatherings in university were disappointing in my experience.

How can you encourage authenticity? This is another intention you must hold as a host, and there is no one way. You cannot demand authenticity, but you can create an environment which fosters it.

You can make guests feel comfortable. You can be vulnerable yourself. You can ask for stories about other people’s lives. How to tell stories is a skill itself.

7. Endings

Have an explicit ending. The peak end heuristic states that we remember the peak and the end of any experiences the most.

Therefore ‘how things end’ matters a lot. Make it explicit- if for example hosting a dinner party, you can let guests know that they can leave if they want to, but if they choose to stay they can retreat to the living room etc.

8. Create rituals

Ritualised and regular meet ups are powerful. Try to commit or create a group around a shared purpose. Then aim to meet regularly. This is how you form deeper bonds.

Examples

• Sunday brunch
• Coffee and climb
• Evening walk
• Sports clubs

Conclusion

Be the host. Don’t wait for others to open their door. Open yours.

title: finding your tribe date: 2022-03-21

Friendship and relationships are really important. We all implicitly know this, but the way modern life has been constructed has arguably made it more difficult. If not difficult, then at least it has changed the rules of the game.

I’ve already written about friendship - which you should read (mostly summarised points from Robin Dunbar’s recent book). A few salient reminders and additional points for myself.

You are the average of the 5 people you surround yourself with

This is a well known aphorism at this point. But it’s becoming more apparent that you need fewer high quality relationships rather than more. As a young 20 something, you have high optionality. You can ostensibly choose to spend time with anyone. It’s one of the easier times in your life to have a social network. But what is more important is the crowd you surround yourself with because it ultimately shapes who you become. Choose carefully.

Be like family to your friends, a friend to strangers, and a stranger to your enemies.

Be more open and polarising. Speak your mind. It’s how you find people who you deeply resonate with. Everyone is interesting. They have a unique perspective on the world shaped by their experiences, surroundings and influences. Similarly, you are also interesting. Share your worldview.

‘Friendships are born, not necessarily made’ - you just have to find the right people with whom friendship is frictionless.

Most of the times, friendships are not made, but instead are pre-built. The foundation of a shared worldview already exist. You might disagree on many topics, but the shared common values are there. You know when you meet them.

Your 20’s are an exploration phase. It’s about finding the people who you choose to spend time with, and going all in. Friends are the family you choose.

Open your door

Be the initiator. No-one wants to ‘ask’ to hangout, but everyone appreciates it when someone does. You can’t force people to open their door, but you can always leave yours open.

Practicalities : Where and how do you make friends?

3 pre-requisites

• Proximity
• Repeated unplanned interaction
• Setting that encourages vulnerability/ Shared activity

As an adult, basically you find friends by:

• Connecting with old friends
• Joining clubs/activities where you show up regularly
• Work

The proximity aspect is often overlooked. The main predictor of whether a relationship thrives is the amount of time you invest in it. It becomes way easier when the person is within 30 minutes.

A part of the human condition revolves around the struggle to take what’s in one head and put it in another. In other words unmisinterpreted communication. All loneliness stems from unshared subjective experience. The ultimate goal is to have our subjective reality validated through the language of love or the language of science or the language of our tribe.

That’s a note I found from a few years ago that I wrote.

To future me : I highly recommend re-reading Dunbar’s book. The nature of friendships changes as you grow older, but at the moment, seek the few quality relationships where it feels easy, and open your door.

title: freedom date: 2021-09-10

TLDR : A compendium of current thoughts on freedom

Political and ideological freedom is up-stream of financial freedom

You want to have ‘f’ u money, and then think about ideologies and politics. Money is the engine of change (a reality) - and fuels innovation (science, spreading of memes, technologies).

You can’t worry about politics when your own house is not in order. Pay your bills first. Locally fix, before thinking about global issues.

Freedom to vs freedom from

These are distinct. Freedom ’to’ is about doing anything you want. Freedom to move. Freedom to buy / create. It involves the external world. Imposing your will on changing the world.

Freedom ‘from’ is about removal. It is usually internally focused. Freedom from ‘desire’, freedom from aversion, freedom from delusions/dogmas etc.

You may not always have freedom to ‘do’ whatever you want. Does satisfying all your desires lead to happiness/contentment anyways? Think about this

Freedom ‘from’ is much more lasting.

Freedom to do whatever can be paralysing

Paradox of choice : an ocean of potential experiences is infront of you. By choosing how you are spending your time, you are inherently cutting off all the other potential futures.

At some stage in your life, you want to start committing to things. This means limiting your freedom. When you have all the options, you are technically free, but you are not invested in anyone/anything.

As you get older, finding a spouse means foregoing your freedom to pick anyone. Creating a family and having kids means letting go of your freedom of time. Choosing a career means letting go of all the other potential options.

Some may want to remain completely free in their late 30’s/40’s/50’s - but from what I see, it can lead to loneliness and a lack of purpose.

Note : It doesn’t have to, I’ve met several people in their 40’s/50’s who externally free (no family/spouse) - but often they have worked on some sense of internal freedom.

Freedom from is more durable

External freedom is needed, but not always possible.

Internal freedom is always possible. You can be externally in a horrible situation, but internally at rest.

Cultivate the ability to be free from negative states.

But of course, have freedom ’to’ do in important domains. Just realise that you are not actually free ’to do’ anything. I am not ‘free’ to join the NBA (I don’t know how to play basketball).