== kensho ==


TLDR : 1# Do they make you a better person?

Extension of the post about friendship and relationships.

Who you ‘end up’ with as a partner is probably one of the most important decisions of your life.

Dating Framework

  • Most of life is finding the areas that ‘fit’ you the most without forcing it. Finding the career that seems easy to you and enjoyable. The relationships where core values align, that mostly feel effortless. See ‘homophily and the seven pillars’.

  • Definitions

    • Chemistry : The feeling you get
    • Compatibility : how many values align. Long term potential.
  1. Go on lots of first dates.
  2. As a rule : always go on a second date. Hard to tell after one date.
  3. Ideal : Chemistry + Compatibility
  4. Be honest about yourself. Humans are weird, including you. Thats ok.

How do you meet people?

Three main ways

  • Active social life
  • Friend of a friend (introductions)
  • Dating apps 💀

Dating apps vs IRL

The culture has changed so much since the introduction of dating apps.

Looking at some of the statistics is very depressing. A lot of your swipes don’t end up in matches for a guy. One of many examples. Time- effort ratio skewed

Much better to focus on building a good social network and meeting through weak ties / activities

Go to activities that you already enjoy.

Relationship Rules

These are trite, but useful to keep in mind.

  1. Don’t go into a relationship expecting the other person to change
  2. A relationship doesn’t ‘complete’ you.
  3. Controversial : Don’t keep dating a person unless you see yourself getting potentially married to them. i.e. Don’t lead people on. Be honest about intentions
  4. Most of the time, ‘mixed signals’ mean NO. See Derek Sivers : Hell Y/N
  5. You need honest communication on a base of compatibility and mutual respect

Questions to ask yourself

  1. Do you like who you are around them?
  2. Do they make you a better person?
  3. Are you having fun?
  4. Do you have good conversations?

Ignore this section

I don’t think having a ‘checklist’ that you judge people with is useful. But having some of the below in common helps. The first one is probably the most important, and the rest kind of stem from that.


  1. Self awareness and ability to change (Growth mindset)
  2. Emotional stability (low neurotic)
  3. Kindness
  4. Loyalty
  5. Similar long term goals
  6. Shared sense of humour
  7. Family compatibility
  8. At least a few shared interests

We sometimes hear that opposites attract, and maybe they do for a hookup. More often, similarity is the essence of compatibility. Studies have repeatedly found that couples who are similar in areas such as socioeconomic status, education, age, ethnicity, religion, attractiveness, attitudes, values, and intelligence are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships and are less likely to seek divorce. (Defining your 20’s)

One match maker to consider is personality. Some research tells us that, especially in young couples, the more similar two people’s personalities are, the more likely they are to be satisfied with their relationship.

The WaitButWhy article below is 10/10.


  1. WaitbutWhy : How to Pick Your Life Partner
  2. How Not to Die Alone - Book