relationships are verbs

I like the analogy of relationships as verbs. This can be seen a few different ways.

At an interpersonal level, this means instead of treating people as nouns, which are fixed entities, you treat them as fluid and dynamic. They are verbs. This means letting go of any old mental models you had of someone and seeing them as they are. This is what real listening is.

At a group level, community is a verb. By this I mean that community requires active engagement, requires showing up and caring for others, and it should be inconvenient. It requires active work to maintain. It is not a noun, something you join, become a part of and then have forever. It is a web of obligation.

Since relationships are verbs and are dynamic, they’re naturally subject to waxing and waning. They are impermanent. I felt this more acutely recently, where it seems that relationships are transient. The friends that you once had move away and you gradually maintain less and less contact. They are verbs - moving entities.

English language nudges us towards static nouns. “He is my friend”. “I’m in a community.” Instead you should kind of view it as : “we friend each other” or “we commune by cooking together every Thursday”.

Even at an individual level, the self is a verb. You are constantly changing and shifting - And importantly, you should be looking to change in more adaptive ways. You should be examining your beliefs, trying to falsify them. Trying to improve them. I see this transience with hobbies. I call myself a viola player. But if I’m not playing the viola regularly, is it still worth calling myself a viola player? Probably not.

This shift of perspective is useful.

Treat relationships as verbs.